In an ideal world, we would all be a Jim or a Pam.
But reality is often sadly devoid of tear-streaked confessions of love, like those on “The Office.” Instead, our work relationships can be tinged with uncertainty.
“But do you think he likes me? Like, like likes me? Or was he just being friendly at that client lunch?”
As we age (way!) out of middle school, there’s still an awfully large gray area–that space between what people say, what we hear them say and what they actually mean. And it seems there’s gray area aplenty at the office: Nearly 40% of workers have dated a co-worker, and one in three went on to marry a person they dated at work.
While workplace romance isn’t uncommon, we all know there are consequences to an office crush (whether you have one or are the object of one), so learning to set boundaries and deflect or interpret mixed signals is an important career skill to have.
We spoke to success coach and communication expert Marilyn Suttle for her advice on nipping mixed signals in the bud.
Professional Is as Professional Does
First, don’t jump to conclusions about a colleague’s behavior: ”Miscommunication can create unnecessary drama,” says Suttle, and all that drama can affect your performance. So, if a co-worker asks if you have plans Friday night, assume he’s being friendly, not looking for a date. If he touches your elbow, assume he’s compassionate, not lascivious. If you’re having trouble interpreting a mixed message, assume that you’re the one doing the misunderstanding. That way you won’t make any false assumptions. Of course, if it becomes clear someone’s crossing the line, go ahead and mention how your significant other–fictional or otherwise–just loves the Giants.
You can also deflect attention more subtly: “Most people pick up immediately on body language,” says Suttle. “They can tell when you’re uncomfortable and back off.” Common signs of disinterest include looking or facing away from someone, crossing your arms or legs and standing or sitting farther apart. Men tend to need less personal space than women, so if you’re trying to communicate disinterest to a male co-worker, you may have to exaggerate.
When Should I Speak Up?
But if that same co-worker won’t stop looming over your chair? “If they’re not honoring your non-verbal cues, say something,” Suttle advises. Speaking up sounds easy, but what if the message you need to convey is, “Stop asking if I’ve lost weight/read the newest Dan Savage, because I feel like you’re hitting on me (and I’m not interested)”?
“This is where ‘nice’ people mess things up because they don’t want to offend,” advises Suttle. “A good person who unintentionally made you uncomfortable can handle an abrupt comment. They’ll understand that you’re setting a boundary.” We realized that this is the perfect time to use those “I” phrases you were taught in middle-school conflict resolution:
- “I’m not sure if you realized, but I need some more personal space.”
- “I’m sure you don’t mean to, but it makes me uncomfortable when you …”
- “I feel silly saying anything, but please stop [confusing behavior]. It kind of freaks me out.”
A good catch-all phrase? “I’m not interested in anything other than a professional relationship.”
Saying the words out loud can be awkward (and provide an opportunity for the other person to feign ignorance), but this is a case of trusting your instincts. If you’re uncomfortable enough to say something about it, that person is clearly doing something wrong. Once you’ve made your intentions clear, the behavior should cease and desist. If it doesn’t, you may want to consider a visit to HR.
What if the person is your boss? “It’s harder to deflect because they have control over your career,” says Suttle. She recommends researching your company’s sexual harassment and dating policies, then having a straight conversation from a place of confidence. ”It’s okay to set a clear boundary,” she says. “You can do it in a tactful way.”
Keep Your Own Signals Straight
We know that mixed signals aren’t always intentional. For example, if you’re a particularly touchy or affectionate person, it can sometimes be hard for others to tell if you’re pursuing more than friendship.
Keep from sending unintended signals with Suttle’s four questions to ask yourself:
- Am I clear about how I feel? If you’re not clear on whether you like or like like a co-worker, chances are you may be sending them mixed messages.
- Am I standing too close? If your colleague steps back from you, you’ve come too close. Notice and honor the distance the person you’re talking to puts between you.
- Does he or she look uncomfortable? When someone is uncomfortable, his face shows it. Notice if a colleague winces, rolls his eyes or frowns when you talk about certain topics, or touch or look at him in certain ways.
- What are people saying? The more you want to know something, the more you’ll find out. Listen carefully to the office gossip–oftentimes, third parties recognize budding romances (or awkward rifts) before those involved. Don’t be afraid to ask a trusted colleague to observe you and share her insights.
But What If I Do Like My Co-Worker?
If you have an interest in a co-worker who is interested in you, Suttle recommends echoing his or her actions–after all, mimicking body language is a well-known indicator of attraction. “Return smiles and build rapport,” she advises.
Before getting too carried away, Suttle recommends starting with the end in mind. It’s not as gloomy as it sounds: In this case, the end could be a long-term relationship, a temporary tryst or a breakup. “Consider how getting involved might affect your day-to-day life and career,” says Suttle. “And be sure to look up any relevant rules or policies your company might have.”