I split up with my ex in February 2010 and my divorce was final in September 2011. My ex wasn't just a deadbeat. He'd gotten addicted to pain killers and hadn't held a job in two years. He had a hateful heart and though he never physically hurt me, his bizarre behavior and the realization that I couldn't trust him made me really afraid of him. I kept the deadbolt locked when I was home alone and watched him every time I heard his car in the drive. Anytime he walked into a room, the first thing I did was check his hands to see if he was carrying something that could hurt me.

When my spirit was completely drained and I couldn't imagine living that way for one more second, I finally left him and moved in with my parents. When he left and I moved back into my house two weeks later, the electricity and natural gas had both been disconnected. He took my bed, so I slept in a chair in my living room for weeks. I was so so sad and so so ashamed, and that made being broke feel a million times worse. The memories of it are so surreal. It was just like numb terrified frozen panic.

I had collectors calling me constantly. I was trying to do the right thing, but I just didn't have the energy. I was just trying to survive. My jounal entries from that time in my life scare me when I look back on them. I remember talking to a student loan collector and crying so hard I had to pull my car to the side of the road. I had to pick and choose which utilities to pay and do my best to keep the utilities from getting turned off. Everything was in my name because his credit had been so bad. He had no income when we got divorced and I just kept all of our debts rather that have to deal with trying to split it up somehow. There was no end in sight. I was my divorce. I was my financial problems.

And then things brightened up. The sky started seeming bigger and life seemed pretty again. I started feeling emotions again and it was such a relief that it made it easier to deal with the financial side of my ruin. I started tracking all of my spending. I settled a credit card and got on some awesome low interest payment plans for the others. My credit is trashed, I still have debts and I still owe money, but I'm secure now. I have an emergency fund. I plan for future expenses with direct deposit into savings. I'm happy now and my marriage/divorce seems like not much more than a bad dream.

So don't lose hope and don't get discouraged. Don't think for a second that your divorce or your finances define you. It will get better faster without your ex dragging you down. The feelings of freedom and control will take over the feelings of sadness and ruin. I came to love being divorced. Even though I was in shambles, there was no better feeling that going home to an empty house where I felt safe. There was no man around to bring me down or make me sad. Regardless of what has happened to you, or where you are now, you can fix it. Make a plan and start. Set yourself free from blaming him or for feeling like you got screwed, even though he deserves it and even though you did. It's your life now. You get to live it, and you don't have to suffer through the rebuilding if you don't want to. You have all the power now.

good...