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Under: Money and Relationships
when the are we/aren't we sharing money gets murky
  • modgirl
    Sure, being in a LTR means that there is an ebb and flow to financial autonomy. (I don’t expect to be given a dollar for the soda I brought you home after work…. in fact it would creep me out). But, what about when you hit the murky place where you have been “going dutch” so to speak and your partner becomes unable to work for an extended period of time and you step in to financially support them? This has happened to me twice with the love of my life. The first time wasn’t too bad. I was out just under 500 dollars and I was raised to believe that you should never loan anything that you honestly need (or expect) back. But, this time my partner was in a considerable accident that meant a month in the hospital, including surgery. I was there 24/7, of course. And, if food from Trader Joes was going to help my love heal (really, how is anyone expected to recover from anything with that food?!), then I was going to Trader Joe’s and to the mall to buy fresh clothes. All via cab, of course, because the ambulance took us to a hospital in Staten Island (from Manhattan…calling logic. Nope, it went to voice mail) and there is precious little mass transit on the lovely Isles of Staten. Anyhoo, I supported my partner fully for a little over two months: groceries, taxis, new post surgery clothes, spending money, and lots of take out (oh, Seamless, you devil). I took the first month off of work (unpaid, but with an extremely supportive boss) and returned to work on the second month. Financially, there was no way to get around the fact that my partner was badly injured and there was no way that I was going to withhold my money for the things they NEEDED. Here is the twist, we found out a few weeks in that his renter’s insurance would cover a great deal of the costs that were being incurred and coming out of my wallet. I was ecstatic! I wouldn’t have to “eat” all of the money (and we are talking well into the low K’s), and my partner wouldn’t have the onus of paying me back either…. there was this third party that was paying all parties back for their “loans.” Yay, renter’s insurance. Get some NOW.

    Then the strangest thing happened. My partner is putting things back together financially and is almost in the same place as before. But when we discussed the joy of getting those checks from the insurance company recently, my partner blew me away with saying we would just split things down the middle since the renter’s insurance is theirs and if it weren’t for the insurance, I wouldn’t be getting paid back at all. I am at a loss here. Somehow my money became our money? I see it as, “it is wonderful that the insurance company will be able to reimburse me some of what I fronted (remember, we don’t share finances) during a medical fiasco.” Because my partner views it as 50% divisible because “it’s not like I would have gotten that money back anyway” and we are moving and “so, the money is going to the same place: moving, first/last/security, new furniture, etc.)

    But, it was “my” money that “we” are being reimbursed for no matter how we end up spending the money. Right? Am I crazy on this point? Are we only going to share finances when my partner needs my financial support and then we are back to going dutch?

    Please LV readers tell me what you think!


    Sent with brevity (or not) from my iPad, please forgive any typos.
  • happyhoppy
    If the two of you are functioning as a team and supporting each other, one person is likely to be making more, contributing more, or needing more support than the other at any given time. It seems like you understood that when you were willing to take care of major expenses while your partner was injured. You don't sound like you were expecting to be reimbursed for those expenses after the fact, and by that logic, you would expect him to do the same thing if the situation were reversed.

    The twist comes from a 3rd party (the insurance company) being able to offer you a significant reimbursement on all the money you spent to help your partner when he was injured. I can see it from his perspective, to a point. The renters insurance IS in his name. But, all the money fronted to help during that time was YOUR money. It doesn't matter if you're likely to spend it on things you both need. It's still your money. If there is an opportunity for reimbursement from another party, it makes sense that you should be able to recoup what you spent. Also, are you both going to be listed on the renters insurance at this new place? Because it seems like that was a good investment, and you mentioned it's only in his name.

    It's concerning that this is the 2nd time you've spent a significant amount toward helping him in a time of need, and he said "it's not like [you] would have gotten that money back, anyway." Why is that the assumption? Have there been times when he's helped you when you were hurt/unemployed/underemployed/etc. and not been paid back, or is this one-sided?

    Whether you decide that money is yours, his, or should be split between the two of you, this issue needs to make you talk about how money works in your relationship. Do you want to combine finances? If so, how? Do you want to keep finances separate? If so, how will you deal with the times your "money is going to the same place?" What is your philosophy on helping each other out when it comes to money, particularly in large sums? These are big questions, but having that conversation will save you from more "Am I crazy??" questions down the road.

    **full disclosure: I had a very serious LTR destroyed over the one-sided nature of my monetary help, and I let things get worse and worse because I was afraid to have a "scary" conversation about money. While that does make me biased, it doesn't change the fact that being able to talk to your partner about your financial philosophies is really, really important.**
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  • modgirl
    Thank you happyhoppy for such a thoughtful response!

    You really hit the nail on the head! I was raised to help partners and friends whenever you can. And in the middle of a a crisis including ICU units and surgery, I was just glad that I HAD the money to care for us both. (Thank you Learnvest!) I fully knew that my partner would not be able to pay me back soon, if ever. The assumption was that when you hit hard times (which will hopefully never happen), he would care for me. But, then hearing that there was this way I could be partially reimbursed without a red being paid by my partner was like literal magic. Neither of us knew the extent of what renter's insurance covers (GO NOW AND GET RENTER'S INSURANCE). So, I was a bit taken a-back and crushed when he said we should just split the checks when a good 85% of what was paid out came out of my pocket. And, since we don't share money, nor want to, it seems weird that in this instance we would share the reimbursed money. So, to answer your question that is where the logic of "it's not like [you] would have gotten that money back, anyway" comes in. He has never had to financially help me or anything like that. I guess it's a bit one-sided in that regard. But, I have zero idea where this assumption is coming from at all....and, even less idea of how to have this conversation.
  • AldenWicker
    Hi modgirl,

    That sounds tough! We spoke to our planners here on staff, and they said you could consider a cohabitation agreement to formalize your financial responsibilities and commitments with your boyfriend if you're living with him. Here is an easy starter document: http://www.legalzoom.com/legalforms/Cohabitation-Agreement.html.

    Hope that helps!
    Alden, Assistant Editor and Social Media Coordinator
  • modgirl
    Thanks, Alden!

    A cohabitation agreement is such a smart idea. Moving forward, I will make sure to always have this sort of agreement in place. But, can I ethically bust this out now (before these checks come rolling in?)
  • MoneyMateKate
    That Staten Island thing sounds awful. I'd have raised hell in the ambulance if I was conscious to get dropped at the one nearest my apartment. He was very lucky to have someone willing to go through the hassle of visiting so frequently.

    Let me see if I understand this... the renter's insurance is reimbursing a chunk of the expenses related to this accident (as opposed to being labelled "income replacement" or "repairs" or something), and they're expenses that *you* covered, right? Even if not, your boyfriend's attitude is very troubling. He should be delighted to get things squared up and not feel like a drain on your resources - without it costing him a cent.

    I think you're fine showing him the agreement you want moving forward, explaining that his concept of "our" money is so different from yours, and that, given his attitude towards this reimbursement, you need it spelled out to avoid resentment building.

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