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Under: Money and Relationships
Dividing Finances After a Break-up
  • modgirl
    Hi!

    I am in a bit of a moral pickle! Here is the story:

    I was in a relationship with someone for two years. In that time, I helped him get settled in NYC, let him stay with me rent-free until he found an apartment, lent him my furniture and paid for every date because I had a well paying job and my boyfriend did not. However when I lost my job, my boyfriend picked up some of the slack and paid for my rent (we ended up living together to save money) for a few months and bills, etc. A few months later, we broke up. It was both of our faults, but he technically broke up with me. I let him have our shared apartment and most of the furniture. Over a year has past, and now he wants me to pay him back for the rent he insisted on paying for me so I wouldn't be stressed about losing my job. It was an incredibly sweet gesture, and I would love to pay him back but I am still on unemployment and barely getting by. When I land a job I can pay back the money my ex feels I owe him. But, all of my friends say that I don't owe him a thing because what happens in a relationship stays in the relationship. Are relationships like Vegas?
  • fussymom
    I have to agree with your friends: what happens in a relationship stays in the relationship. I mean, are you going to itemize every single thing that you bought for him before you lost your job? His contributions might be easier to calculate, but all relationships are a 50/50 give and take.

    ps Best of luck finding a new job!
  • FiscallyAttentive
    At any point, did you ever reach an agreement with your ex-boyfriend that you'd pay back rent for the months you weren't contributing to the household expenses? From your description, it sounds like he simply offered to cover the rent during the months you were unemployed, and you accepted. In that case, I agree with everyone else. He has no more right to demand back rent from you than if he asked you to reimburse him for the gifts he gave you while you were dating.

    All relationships handle money differently. But I do think it's understood that, in a relationship, one partner may have to support the other at times--unless you have an agreement stating otherwise. If you never had an explicit understanding that you'd pay back rent, you should thank your ex for his generosity, and recommend that if he enters a similar arrangement in the future, he make it clear *at the beginning* that he expects to be reimbursed--not months after the fact.
  • SMK
    HI! I am one of the financial planners at LearnVest and this post really caught my eye because I think things like this happen all too often. I am glad you shared this comment because it highlights something a lot of other people have been through too. It doesn't sound like you have any financial obligation here but the guilt he is making you feel makes it harder to see this in black and white. Be firm with him about the fact that you do not owe him anything, and in fact you generously let him keep the apartment and the furnishing, which probably has substantial monetary value. Not only do you not owe him, you cannot afford to repay anything and you have to put yourself first financially.

    In the future, if you decide to live with someone again (which I am sure will happen!) I'd suggest having a written agreement in place about your financial commitments to each other. It sounds kind of formal or even kind of silly but it is a smart way to protect yourself and to be really clear about who pays for what, even down to the sofa and fridge and the food that fills it!

    Good Luck!
    Stephany
  • modgirl
    Thank you for all of your suggestions and support! @FiscallyAttentive, no we never came up with a re-payment plan. In fact, every time I asked how much I owed him so that I could make a budgeting plan (I am terribly type A about money), he would say that we were a couple and going to be together long after I returned to work so it didn't matter. I do believe in the idea of partner support networks, but I feel SO guilty (thanks Stephany for hitting the nail directly on the head!) because we didn't end up as the forever couple and while I can't (nor would I...) calculate all of my assistance getting him settled in NYC, he can quite easily. Sidenote: He still hasn't told me the actual amount!...It's just a looming debt!

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