6 Skills I Wish I Could Put on My Resume

Posted

resume skillsThis post originally appeared on The Jane Dough.

Resumés are the modern day sonnets, no?

Within a certain set of parameters (and a single page, because resumés longer than one page are the enemy of progress) you can say whatever you want in order to woo whomever you wish. Most of the time resumés end up looking and sounding pretty similar: “optimized this” and “increased that,” which is why you get so much tinkering with fonts and formats and borders designed to make candidates stand out.

Do you ever wonder, though, how your resumé might change if you were able to format it however you liked? If, say, you could turn in a three page opus on everything you’ve ever accomplished in your life, complete with visual aids? Or never printing out a paper copy again and illustrating your employment history through Blingees? Or scenting your resumé á la Elle Woods in Legally Blonde?

If I had my druthers, my resumé would include the dreaded “Special Skills” section, ordinarily so useless and such a waste of space. There are a number of things I’m capable of doing that never make the cut on my C.V. (perhaps for good reason), but if I had the extra room to brag, things would be different. Here are a few of the skills I’d list.

1. I’m excellent at exiting elevators quickly.

No one at the office would end up having to exit an elevator while the doors close in on them because the 6 other people sharing it sauntered out at a pace that would infuriate an earthworm on my watch! Or rather, they might, but it wouldn’t be my fault.

2. I can use an ATM faster than 99% of the human population.

This really shouldn’t be a special skill, but this is the world we live in. I have never understood why I’m able to perform basic transactions at an ATM faster than the average human being. I mean truly, it mystifies me. It’s the same thing every time! Shouldn’t we all be experts by now?

3. I am also great at packing up my wallet/purse after paying for something.

You know that moment when you are next in line, and trying to pay, but the person who just paid is still methodically tucking change into their wallet and then putting their wallet in their bag or pocket and then gathering up the thing(s) that they just paid for, all while blocking you from making your transaction and getting out of there? Yeah, that doesn’t happen if you’re in line behind me.

4. I can poach eggs.

I don’t care who you are, that’s cool.

5. I am a tireless curator of my DVR.

My roommate was letting Prosecuting Casey Anthony languish on our DVR for months after repeated promises that she would get around to watching it, but I brought down my iron fist and thus freed up 4% of the available recording space! …There must be some kind of job where that aversion to DVR clutter would be useful.

6. I can keep plants alive.

And there’s an orchid on my windowsill who can attest to that.

  • Brandy Oliver

    Silly me, I expected an actual helpful post.

  • LaJacqueReal

    Hilarious.. great humor for a rainy Monday morning!

  • liz

    Wow. First off, she’s just plain wrong: resumes are never just one page any more. For most people, it’s good to keep it at two (in previous generations, people kept the same job for 10+ years, but now most of us need 2 pages just to list the last 10 years of employment). In the medical/biotech field, many people with publications have CVs (the technical equivalent of a resume) well over 50 pages just to list the publications.
    The 6 skills she wants to list basically show she is impatient and self-centered. I bet that gets her a job really quickly. NOT.

  • Sean

    Thanks for the laughs, loved it!