This post orginally appeared on xoJane.
There are a lot of things that keep me from being intimate with someone, no matter how swoon-worthy all of their parts make me. No matter how juicy their grey matter, I secretly worry I’m not hawt (“hawt” being the correct spelling for being both hot and confident) enough to ever trick a dude into loving me.
I’ve got my fair share of familial baggage, plus all the extraneous shit you pick up in 29 plus years on the planet. I’ve got a crippling fear that someone will see all my best and worst bits and be all “PUHLEACE” before taking off on their dirt bike forever leaving me to cry soppy mascara-laden tears while my chin burbles like I’m Claire Danes. Though I mean in this scenario, I am being abandoned by a guy on a dirt bike, so I mean–standards?
What I’m saying is, I’ve got enough heaped on my plate keeping me from a healthy relationship, and I’ve put most of it there myself. I don’t now also need to read shit telling me that me that my credit score is as bad as the clap in the dating world.
Is my credit score ideal? No. As we’ve discussed in the past, my credit score is just bad enough for New York landlords to give me the side-eye but at least they aren’t trying to kill me with a brick the way they might have three years ago. In layman’s terms–I’m working on it. It’s not an easy, overnight fix, and yeah, I occasionally have to punctuate my attempts with a spirit bolstering Independent Women listening session, but I’m getting there.
It’s a work in progress–like everything else in my life. If I were a hunky dude approaching 30 and I was constantly treading water, they’d make a potentially okay 45-minute drama about my life. It would be on CBS. I’d have a posse of dude-friends, one would probably be a dentist, but at least one would be a total wastoid and he would be there to remind the audience that while I’m not perfect, at least I’m not that guy.
I’d also have a tumultuous on-and-off again relationship with a woman who already had her shit together and said things to me in her doorway like, “You have to figure out what it is you want,” before slamming said door, leaving me to walk home contemplatively in the rain, my ruminations punctuated by the musical stylings of Train. Meet Virginia, indeed. Drops of Jupiter, etc, etc.
But I’m not a guy, I’m a girl, and even the most cutting edge television shows make it pretty clear that the world–and single guys–aren’t going to stand in doorways waiting for me to put all of my pieces together. I don’t need some asshole reminding me that my borked student loan situation is probably keeping me from finding love.
I mean, theoretically shouldn’t a person I want to start a long-term relationship with be pretty okay with me as long as I’m honest and not murdering anyone? I know that shared finances are a part of marriage for most folks–but I’m not looking for someone to swoop in and take responsibility for the fact that when I started college I didn’t understand I was also inviting a giant albatross to hang about neck.
I may push people away with an at-times-too-acerbic tongue, and I may be too shy to go up to some dude and wrangle him into my bed every night of the week (or uh, most nights of the week), and I may most of the time be wearing socks that have cats wearing hats on them that my mom got me for Christmas–but I’ve been taking care of myself since I was 18, paying my own bills, making my own mistakes, and rectifying them.
In a weird way, I don’t think I’d be okay with someone saying, “I’ll take care of this now,” mostly because I don’t think I’d know how to let someone shoulder the load with me. Shouldn’t that be my bigger concern? That I know [redacted] about sharing my life with its various ups and downs with another person?
Because honestly that seems like the bigger problem to me, a lot bigger than the apparently numerical equivalent of an STD I’m carrying around. Man. Maybe they should come up with one of those websites, like the kind that exist for people with certain STDS, a topic-specific dating websites for people with bad credit. Maybe they should also create one for people with control issues and a fear of commitment!
Oh, wait. That is basically OKCupid. What keeps you from getting close to someone? Would a credit score be make or break for you–even if the person in question was trying to improve it? SEXILY?