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Money Mic: The Case For Working Moms

Toni Larina
Posted on Nov 10, 2011

In our Moms Money Mic series, we hand over the podium to people with controversial views about money and parenthood. These views are theirs, not ours, but we look forward to opening up the floor for discussion. 

Last time, we introduced you to the diaper-free movement that’s sweeping the nation. This time, two writers share their differing views on whether it makes sense—emotionally and financially—to go back to work after having kids.

In this post, Toni Larina tells us why she decided to go back to work after having her baby. For the opposing view, read this essay on why one woman made the choice to be a stay-at-home. Let us know what you think in the comments, below.

To work or not to work—a tough choice for mothers.

Nearly three years ago, when I found out I had a little person inside me, I had the usual 10,000 questions: How am I going to do this? How will I make time? How much weight I am going to gain?

But then: What about work? Is this it?

At This Time, My Career Was on an Upward Swing

I loved what I was doing. As a software developer, I was working at a consulting firm on a very interesting project for Walt Disney. This gave me a great sense of accomplishment to be working on a challenging task—and doing it well. I didn’t want to give it up. And, looking at a coworker who balanced life with a six-month-old, combining work and motherhood didn’t seem so impossible.

I talked to my coworkers who were young parents, did research … The results made me feel like I could have it all. I found a good pediatrician, and, best of all, a daycare within minutes from work. I was feeling good, which helped me take care of my own life, and the little life growing inside me.

I also found an online forum where expectant moms hung out. The women were supportive and fun, but, as more of them started moving from “expectant mom” to “mom,” I became wary. They grew judgmental.

When I announced my decision to stay in the workforce, nearly no one on the forum supported me. I caught a lot of flak. I heard it all: “Baby needs her Mommy;” “No one can replace Mommy;” “Work will be there when you’re done being a mom;” “Can’t your husband support the family on his own?”

My husband and a handful of friends were supportive, but my own mother and most other friends weren’t. At all. My best friend, who stayed home with her son for nearly three full years, predicted I’d crack just weeks in. “You’ll see,” she said.

I Felt Like Giving Up My Job Would Mean Losing My Identity

I wanted to be an example for my daughter, and for her to see a strong and independent person when she looked at me. I didn’t want to be selfish, but I was determined to strike the fine balance of caring for my child (even if it meant delegating to another person at times), and also remaining myself so she could learn life skills from me.

In the end, I was on maternity leave for six weeks, and then returned to work.

I made that decision because, for one thing, it would be much harder to break out of the diaper and goo-goo cycle to interview for a new job if I stayed home for a few years. I work in technology, and it’s already challenging enough to stay on top of new technological developments without taking a prolonged break. Plus, it’s harder for the baby to start daycare after being used to no one but Mommy every day.

I Want My Daughter to Have the Things I Couldn’t Dream About

Financially speaking, it’ll help my daughter in the long haul for me to steadily grow my retirement fund—she won’t have to support me when I get old. Similarly, saving for a down payment on a home means not having to rent later on when I retire. In the shorter term, one of my big goals is to afford my daughter’s childhood. I grew up in far harsher conditions, and I’d like her to have the things I couldn’t even dream about as a kid … like nice living arrangements (or even her own room), a good neighborhood and well-respected schools. A dual income helps us get there.

She Should Always See Someone She Admires in Me

In addition to these purely practical concerns, when you have to go to work, it’s harder to let yourself go: There’s no choice but to do your hair, put on nice clothes, etc. No matter what, I want to be someone my daughter can look up to.

As it turned out, a lot of my stay-at-home-mom friends ended up having marital problems. Of course, this is my unscientific personal observation, but three of eight stay-at-home moms I knew well are already divorced and must relearn how to live on their own. My husband and I haven’t avoided every bump in the road altogether, but knowing that I bring home my share of the bacon gives me the self-confidence I would be lacking if I made another choice.

I’m not saying everyone should do as I did. It’s a personal choice, as is everything else. But I’m hoping this story encourages women facing a similar decision. For me, there was no question.

Staying at Home Would’ve Ruined Me

I know some stay-at-home-moms who are happy … but it would have ruined me because I would feel like I was being separated from my passions, and I was sliding into postpartum depression. I feel confident that I made the right choice. I’ve succeeded in keeping my career going, and I’ve also made sure my daughter is surrounded with people who love her a ton—between me, my husband and our extended family, she always has someone who adores her, 24/7.

She went through a short phase in which she’d act out whenever my husband and I dropped her off at daycare, but now she understands that I’m always there, and I’ll always come back to her (plus she’s now more interested in hanging out with the other kids!). My closeness with her hasn’t suffered at all from my decision to work, because it means that the time I do spend with her is total quality time. What’s more, her social skills are better than they would be otherwise, because she’s used to being around lots of different people.

Two years is hardly enough to tell, but I’m well on my way to my goal of providing nice living arrangements for my daughter, in a good neighborhood with great schools. We’re actually able to go on family vacations, and I feel good about providing her with the financial security I didn’t have growing up. I wouldn’t have been able to do that if I stayed home.

To share your thoughts on this controversial topic, leave a comment below. For the opposing view to this article, read this essay on why one woman made the choice to be a stay-at-home mom.

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The Case For Working MomsToni Larina is a software developer at LearnVest. When she isn’t busy working, she spends her free time with her husband and adorable daughter.

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  • cheryl

    23 years ago, I made the decision to stay in the workforce.  My husband and I have raised 4 children, the youngest now 15.  My children were able to stay with their grandmother.  I was able to have lunch with them each day.  Even feed the babies as they were on 4 hours feedings by the time I went back to work.  They have had advantages they would not have had if I had of chosen to stay home.  They are well adjusted and know they are loved. 

  • Molly

    I was tracking with you until the “stay-at-home moms are more likely to divorce” bit. Yes, you say it’s an unscientific observation, and just your experience, but it reads like you’re grasping for any additional reason you can find to prove that you made the right decision. You should just own it, completely. You have so many great reasons for choosing to go back to work, and you give us pregnant ladies excellent points to consider. There’s no need to throw out a little unscientific, fear-based anecdote like that if you really believe your argument.

    • Toni Larina

      I appreciate your comment, Molly.
      Let me just clarify: as I mentioned, I’m a techie, meaning I live by facts and numbers. 3/8 doesn’t exactly qualify as a firm rule that if you stay at home, you’re gonna end up getting a divorce. But on the other hand, 3/8 is a significant possibility for problems to happen.

      Again, based on my own case, and the women I’m talking about, the deciding point was whether or not the women had their backs covered, financially.

      • Molly

        I get that. But everyone’s experiences are so different, and it’s difficult to draw meaningful conclusions from such a small sample. For example, in my group of friends, only two couples have been divorced. Both had been childless marriages, and there’s only one other couple with no children. So, can we say that 2/3 of childless marriages are likely to end in divorce? Is that a significant possibility? Of course not. We’re not looking at any other factors here, just the end result of an incredibly small sample.

        All women, SAHM or not, need to be financially knowledgable and protected in case their marriage ends for any reason. I also think we need to support other women in their choice to return to work or stay home. No one can make that decision for us. I just don’t want to see women being scared into thinking that their marriage is more likely to fail if they stay home — unless of course there’s some actual data to back up that claim.

  • Christy

    Thank you so much for sharing this story! I really relate to your experience. I have two kids, one is 2.5 and the other is 8 months and while the juggling act is really tough sometimes, I feel like I am a better mom because of how hard I have to try. And, I am happy and fulfilled, something I never saw in my own mother who stayed at home with us for many years. My children hopefully won’t have to work nearly as hard as I did at a young age to go to college and get started out because we will financially be prepared to help them. I think you are SO right on and congrats on all the wonderful things happening for you.

  • kclmoneycoach

    I don’t have kids (yet) but most of my friends do. Some work, some don’t. Some are happy, some aren’t. On both sides of the coin. 

    For example, my friend who stayed home because that was what “good mommies do” was miserable. She went back to work after making peace with the fact that some women just aren’t cut out to be stay-at-home moms.Other SAHM friends I have are happier and healthier than they’ve ever been. Motherhood suits them.On the flip side, some of my working mom friends couldn’t wait to go back to work post-babies and have never had a regret. Others would probably relinquish a finger to be able to stay home with their kids, but for various reasons must work full-time. When I have kids, all I know is that I’d like to have the choice. No one else can determine what’s best for you and your family.

  • Mo

    Loved this piece. I really hate the divisive tactics typically used when people talk about SAHM vs. working moms. I’m sick of people pitting themselves against one another or judging people for making choices they may not have made personally. It’s ridiculous. In my eyes, everyone has to make a decision and it’s theirs and theirs alone, no one else’s.

    I was a SAHM for two years and at first, I thought I would love it. I enjoyed the time spent with my son, but I was also detached from the ‘real world’ I had no other friends who were moms, not to mention my husband and I were struggling living off one income. I was suffering from severe post partum depression and let’s face it, when momma’s not happy – no one is happy. So after 2 years, my therapist suggested I do something constructive outside the home. So I went back to school and 3 years later, I’m still here and law school is right around the corner. I don’t regret my decision and love the fact that I have a healthy, balanced life now. I am so involved in my now 5-year-olds school, I have a 3.7 GPA, my husband and I are happy and doing fine financially. Yes, babies need their mommies AND daddies, but they also need happy parents. If you’re present and you’re not happy, your baby knows it. I now have SAHM friends and each complain at times but love the choice they made and I’m happy for them.

    Everyone just has to make the right decision for their family and don’t let anyone make you feel bad for it. I know I made the right decision and my son is better off.

  • Mo

    Loved this piece. I really hate the divisive tactics typically used when people talk about SAHM vs. working moms. I’m sick of people pitting themselves against one another or judging people for making choices they may not have made personally. It’s ridiculous. In my eyes, everyone has to make a decision and it’s theirs and theirs alone, no one else’s.

    I was a SAHM for two years and at first, I thought I would love it. I enjoyed the time spent with my son, but I was also detached from the ‘real world’ I had no other friends who were moms, not to mention my husband and I were struggling living off one income. I was suffering from severe post partum depression and let’s face it, when momma’s not happy – no one is happy. So after 2 years, my therapist suggested I do something constructive outside the home. So I went back to school and 3 years later, I’m still here and law school is right around the corner. I don’t regret my decision and love the fact that I have a healthy, balanced life now. I am so involved in my now 5-year-olds school, I have a 3.7 GPA, my husband and I are happy and doing fine financially. Yes, babies need their mommies AND daddies, but they also need happy parents. If you’re present and you’re not happy, your baby knows it. I now have SAHM friends and each complain at times but love the choice they made and I’m happy for them.

    Everyone just has to make the right decision for their family and don’t let anyone make you feel bad for it. I know I made the right decision and my son is better off.

  • CleoBarker

    This is by far one of my fav articles put out by LearnVest. She tackled all the issues and shared her criticisms, those given AND received. I feel the exact same way. No babies yet, but I’m going to be a working military mom. Coincidentally also in the computer field, so I also like that she alluded to the changing technology. You always have to be on top of things to be valuable. GREAT JOB!

  • Natalia

    I applaud you for being brave to talk about this openly and honestly.  I know how hard it is every morning to let go of the hugs and little arms of your daughter.
    I guess the most difficult challenge here is to stop feeling guilty, stop judging ourselves and each other and respect each other’s choices (both working moms and stay at home moms).  One book I found very useful is “Mommy wars”  by Leslies Morgan Steiner where both working moms and stay at home moms discuss their choices and their stories.

  • Anonymous

    Well I have to say I chose to be a SAHM and would NEVER regret my decision me and my husband have been together for 15 years now and our oldest son is 14 and youngest daughter is 9 both of our children are on the spectrum(ADD) our eldest has autistic traits and me leaving him at any time is just extremely stressful for him even at the age of 14 he still asks where I’m at if I happen to go out somewhere me and my children are extremely close as well as me and my husband and we wouldn’t want it any other way I am indeed attached to them as they are with me and I wouldn’t change that for anything in this world! As a responsible parent if I chose to ONLY share the GOOD times with my children what would they learn concerning real life and how would they learn to deal with problems?? I cherish the  good times as well as the bad with my family that’s what unconditional love is all about. So many parents are so worried about money money money that they lack and miss teaching that child about real life and that you don’t always get what you want in life. I see so many parents covering up for their absence in their child’s life by over-indulging their children with materialistic things to me that’s not love at all. Its merely a token of your absence and that will never be good enough for these children, they will always feel as if their not good enough. I do have passions and do exercise them in my spare time me feeling independent is based on the ability to make my own decisions and when I want to not having someone else telling me to, I am very Independent always have been. I don’t mind being alone its in that time that I meditate and learn the most about myself , life, and others I love.  My husband knew very early on in our partnership that I wanted to stay home if we ever chose to have children. I am very active in our community, our family is VERY active in our community, every one knows us and we are very engaged in our children’s school activities I couldn’t ponder the mere fact of something happening to either one of my children and me having to tell them that I cannot leave from work to me that’s not an option(now if your self employed that’s different). My husband sees the benefits to me staying at home and he is a very well satisfied man inside the home and out I have more energy due to staying at home I love my alone time. I actually prefer my solitude oppose to commuting back and forth to a job where at times its only benefiting the employer and most times not the employee. I am by nature a self-learner. I cannot handle the mere fact of someone else raising my children. Money is not and NEVER will be my motivating factor is choosing to go to work, my children’s mental, physical and emotional health are much more important then simply bringing a paycheck home. I feel strongly that a woman’s job is in the home just as Jesus states very clearly in the Bible. I actually prefer the terms “I am a virtuous woman” I am a self starter. I work better independently and when what I’m doing is related to what I’m passionate about. I’d like to clarify that just because a woman stays home doesn’t mean that she’s not independent! I have a 4.0 in college and have had schooling in fields of my interests. A degree on a wall will NEVER equate a person’s common sense to life’s experiences without that whatever you do will deem not to be successful. That concludes my take on this matter. Good day!