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I Just Moved In—Is The Mortgage Payment My Problem?

Corynne Steindler
Posted on Oct 8, 2010

Is The Mortgage Your Responsibility?

A little over a year ago, I moved in with my boyfriend. After I donated the majority of my decade-old furniture, we packed the remainder into a U-Haul, and drove to my new home: a majestic Manhattan high-rise. I was ecstatic! And I still am—the apartment I’m living in totally rocks. Still, in the first few weeks of living together, the egalitarian in me wasn’t totally home free. There was something bugging me about the fact that my guy was (and is) an apartment owner, living in a building I could not (and still can’t) afford.

Splitting Expenses Is A Touchy Subject

“Don’t split his mortgage!” warned multiple girlfriends, who themselves regretted paying towards their now-ex’s equity. It didn’t matter that my guy had never actually asked me to split his mortgage—their reservations touched on some of the major issues I was debating. What is fair when it comes to splitting expenses? How do I avoid the feeling that he’s my landlord? I didn’t want to take advantage, but I didn’t know exactly where to draw the line. And I soon realized I’m not the only one.

We asked the this of some of our Twitter followers: “If your partner asks you to move in, would you help to pay his or her mortgage bill?” Turns out, the answer was a resounding “Sure! It’s just like paying rent.” Actually ladies … it’s not. Not at all.

Half of Mortgage Does Not Equal Rent

Reader Alyssa (not her real name) was the first to tell me never to contribute to a mortgage you don’t have equity in. “Do not—I repeat, do not, pay any part of his mortgage,” she said in an e-mail. “It is a lose-lose arrangement.” Think about it: when and if you break up, “you have to face the fact that you have paid off some of his or her mortgage.”

Farnoosh Torabi, LearnVest money etiquette expert and author of Psych Yourself Rich backs up Alyssa’s doubts. “In general I am not a fan of splitting debt with someone who isn’t your legal partner. I understand some may not be the marrying type, or simply can’t (legally) get married,” Torabi explained. “But unless there’s a major commitment, splitting a mortgage is a recipe for disaster—both for your finances and your relationship.” Plus, she adds, “Just because you’re giving him or her 50% of the mortgage payment, you’re not technically ‘splitting’ the mortgage. Your name is not on the deed and you don’t have any owner’s rights.” And unless you sign a renter’s contract, you don’t have any tenant’s rights, either.

Set Your Limits

If your partner asks you to pay half of the mortgage, try suggesting some alternatives.  “Offer to pay for utilities, food or other costs that may add up to half the mortgage,” Torabi advises. And, if you start to feel guilty, “keep in mind that your partner bought this house trusting that he or she would be able to make that monthly payment on his or her own.”

“Of course it’s important to contribute to the housing costs once you’re living together,” she added. “But don’t feel obligated to pay 50% just because.”

The Worst That Could Happen

I asked Alyssa if she could shed some light on the emotional realities of paying towards your partner’s mortgage. “When you contribute to his or her mortgage, you have helped to lessen their overall debt,” she said.  ”He or she will now have less to pay. And at some point, another person might move in and enjoy the paid-off apartment—which your money contributed to. And you are left with nothing.” She made a good point—I don’t know about you, but I never worried about who was moving in after me when I rented from a landlord.

Calling it Even

Ultimately, my man and I came up with an arrangement. We each pay into a joint checking account, which is used for utilities, maintenance, groceries, and other household supplies—and he pays his mortgage on his own. Sure, I still feel pangs of guilt every now and again when I start counting dollars and cents. On those days, I make dinner, or pick up take-out—and we call it even.

Tell us in the comments: Would you split your partner’s mortgage? Or, as a homeowner, would you expect a cohabiting partner to chip in?

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  • Juno

    I would never ever pay his mortgage

  • MM

    My boyfriend moved into my condo & I had him help me pay for the utilities and cost of living which pretty much totaled half of the mortgage. We broke up 4 years later, got back together and it’s still a sour subject to this day, especially since he didn’t care for the place. We’re going on our 9 year anniversary and my advice, communicate to each other about everything financial…. debt, bills, expectations, budget. Even though I say his money went to expenses for the house, he still thinks it went to the mortgage.

    • kittycuddler

      I know this article was written a LONG time ago, but I’m just about to deal with this situation myself. My boyfriend has a lot of student debt and he also has weak credit, so we are not in the place to buy a home together. We have been together for 3 years and lived together for one. I am in the financial place where I can buy an apartment that would allow for my BF to pay less splitting the mortgage than we would paying the rent we currently do.

      The only problem is – we can’t buy the place together because of his credit. We want to get married although we are not currently engaged.

      Is there some kind of contract I can set up that shows how much $$ he has contributed to the mortgage, so that if we do break up, God forbid, that he is entitled to x amount of the sale price?

  • SpaCENErd

    I would hate to think that people wouldn’t talk about this when moving in, and then would do the whole awkward “So, it’s the end of the month…” thing. I agree with MM, that any successful relationship needs to have clear communication. In this story, it sounds like you had it!

  • AW

    Ditto that communication is key, at the beginning, and throughout.nnTo present an alternate view: this is one of those situations in which the idea that “moving in is like a trial run for marriage – make sure you like it first” just doesn’t apply. Decisions on how to split bills are non-issues if you get married and share your lives, but can kill a relationship before it even has a chance when you’re just pretending/trial-running but still needing to protect yourself (which yes, is necessary in that case). My opinion is that a really easy way to avoid these challenges is to just live separately until you’re ready to take the full plunge, and in the meantime, communicate thoroughly and completely about your financial habits so that you know what you’re getting into. If you have completely decided that this person is the right one for you, then little pet peeves that you’d figure out annoy you while cohabiting would turn into things that you compromise on and learn to fix together in order to have a happy life, instead of using them as excuses for breaking up or why you can’t get married in the first place. It’s actually a studied fact that people who live together before getting married have higher divorce rates that those who wait until getting married to move in. And my opinion on this has nothing to do with religion, to those who might have strong opposition. I’m still trying to figure it out, but I think it’s probably about a form of commitment — if you do your due diligence in advance and then really commit, you can be just as happy or happier, than if you’re always doubting and finding things that would or could be problems. Just my two cents.

  • KW

    By paying the other person’s mortgage, you admittedly are contributing to the equity on the other person’s house. Paying for other expenses like utilities is exactly the same as paying for the mortgage because it saves your partner money on the utilities that he would have to pay himself if you did not pay it. If your partner is smart, he would take the money he is saving by not paying utilities and put it toward the mortgage anyway if he didn’t have any pressing debts such as credit card bills. Ultimately, you either become a freeloader or contribute in some way to your partner’s financial success.nnThe other thing to consider is what would happen if you did not move in with your partner. You would either have to buy your own house, or you would be paying rent on an apartment that doesn’t build up any kind of equity for you. The only advantage to renting an apartment is that it builds your credit score if you make your payments on time, which would also happen if you bought your own home.nnUltimately, the amount you are paying your significant other should be a fixed amount. It doesn’t have to be half the mortgage, though that’s probably cheaper than you can get for rent on an apartment after you figure in utilities. If it’s your job to cover the variable expenses, that’s risky for your partner. Those heating bills that you might have to pay may be reduced because the house is suddenly 55 degrees. The food bills you may have to pay may be reduced by buying what appears more to be a college kid’s diet- lots of cheap food without too many healthy ingredients on the menu, or possibly minimal or no meat. These examples are a bit more extreme, but if you allow a partner to cover a variable expense, there is the risk that your partner will cut too many corners in order to save money on those bills.

  • Guest

    “Think about it: when and if you break up, u201cyou have to face the fact that you have paid off some of his or her mortgage.u201dnnWhen I move out of my apartment, I have to face the fact that I just paid part of the landlord’s mortgage. How is this any different?

    • Corynne Steindler

      At least for me, I am not as emotionally attached to my ex-landlords as I was to my ex-boyfriends!

  • Anonymous

    I agree with the writer, the homeowner should handle the mortage on thier own and the two partners should split the household expenses only.  The live-in partner indirectly pays a part of the homeowner’s mortgage anyway since their hosehold contributions free up some of the homeowners funds to put towards the mortgage.  I guess the real lesson here is to discuss expectations before moving in so neither partner feels like they are being taken advantage of financially.

  • J-Bone

    You guys are dumb. Paying utilities or half of the mortgage is the same thing. 500 bucks is 500 bucks. Girls make no sense.