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The Bridesmaid Dress Is Too Expensive A Wedding Accessory: Now What?

Farnoosh Torabi
Posted on Aug 20, 2010

Dear Farnoosh,

A friend has asked me to a bridesmaid in her lavish wedding, but the bridesmaid dresses, which we have to buy, cost a whopping $800…about as much as I pay for a month’s rent! I still want to attend her wedding, but now I’m thinking I would rather go as a guest. It’s not that I don’t want to spend the money; it’s that I can’t. I need to save money since I’m trying to pay for grad school later in the fall. Is there a way I can back out of being a bridesmaid without hurting her feelings?

Sincerely,

Bridesmaid in Distress

Dear B.I.D.,

I’m guessing this wedding isn’t right around the corner? If you’ve already agreed to be a bridesmaid, sat on the promise for months, and the grand event is less than a few weeks away, you can’t rightfully back out. Timing does matter here, especially if you’re concerned with keeping the friendship intact. If, however, this isn’t the last minute, there are a few things to keep in mind when making a graceful retreat:

You Don’t Have To Do This

Assuming that you are giving the bride fair notice, you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your finances to be a bridesmaid. An $800 dress that you’ll wear for half a day is awfully steep—especially if you have a major financial goal to reach, like paying for graduate school. (Note to brides: Consider your maids’ financial situations before requiring them to buy a dress that costs more than $200.)

Give Notice As Soon As Possible

As soon as possible, let her know (gently) about your financial bind. The goal is not to make her feel so bad that she offers to pay for your dress. Tell her that you’ve thought long and hard about this and that it breaks your heart, but you unfortunately cannot afford to be her bridesmaid. Explain that you are headed to grad school in a matter of months, and that you hope she understands.

Blame Outside Factors

Make it less about the exorbitant price of the dress and more about the fact that you simply don’t have the money to be a member of the bridal party. Blame grad school. Blame your small (but, I hope, growing) savings account. Make the resignation about you, not her.

Be Sensitive To Her Feelings

That said, her feelings may be hurt, at least initially. That’s why it’s very important that you emphasize the truth. At the same time, do let her know how honored you are that she wanted to include you in her special day and how deeply heartbroken you are. Mention that you’ll, of course, still attend and do everything you can to be there for her.

Find Another Way To Show You Care

Some cost-free ways to still be a big help on her wedding day: Arrive early to help set up flower arrangements or pass out programs. Put together a scrapbook of all your times together, or give her a call the night before to let her know you’re proud of her and can’t wait to see her tomorrow. Showing that you really care can go a long way to prove that it’s not personal. It’s just a matter of means.

If she’s really a friend, she should understand your reasons—and know that it wasn’t easy for you to make the decision that you did.

Follow Farnoosh On Twitter! @FARNOOSH

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  • Bridesmaidforlife

    A dress isn't the only expense. It's also shoes etc. The $800 is only a starting point. Frankly, with a dress that expensive the bride should pay. Have no remorse about backing out. Is she a bridezilla??

    • Farnoossh

      LOL. You make a great point. I would have a whole set of etiquette points for the bride in this case. Thanks for weighing in!

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=143700268 Kim Stiens

      I agree. In fact, I would go further… I don’t think that it matters if the wedding is tomorrow. If you just found out the price of the dress (because it was just selected, etc), then you can back out now. It’s easy to make a commitment to someone else’s wedding when it doesn’t cost anything. You should *never* have an obligation to wreck your finances so someone else can see you in a pretty dress.

      I tend to think that anytime a bride wants her bridesmaids to show up in  a specific dress, she has an obligation to buy that dress. You’re forcing someone to spend a LOT of money on something they may or may not even like.

  • once a bridesmaid

    I just got married a few weeks ago, and I asked my three bridesmaids to wear black dresses of their choice and black shoes. (I also had three bridesmen, and I asked them to wear black suits with bowties if they didn't want to rent a tux.) All of my bridesmaids looked great during the wedding because they were wearing dresses that fit them well. The problem with forcing bridesmaids to wear the same dress is that people are all different sizes, and the chosen dress is bound to make at least one person look bad. I had to wear a mustard-colored bridesmaid dress once that looked ridiculous against my skin, and I would never wear it again. My bridesmaids will be able to wear their dresses again, which makes me happy, and they didn't have to spend a ridiculous amount of money for something they didn't like.

    • http://bit.ly/dailyGiveaways Candace

      Very rarely do we bridesmaid ever wear the dress again as we'd like to hope we could. How often do we really do something so fancy in the first place? Maybe go on a cruise and wear the dress for a formal evening, but that's only if you can stand to put the dress back on again. I've already been in 1 wedding this year and have 2 more to go before the year's over. Brides, it's easier if you tell us exactly what you want us to be in vs. making us chose something similar to what the other maids will be wearing. We don't want to be the odd one out. And please, think of our budgets when you're picking out our wardrobe. Especially if we have to travel to attend your event. We love you and want to support you and your groom in your special day, but we still have to be able to buy groceries and eat after we pay for our dress. I'm hoping to get the bridesmaid dress I found in a giveaway at http://bit.ly/dailyGiveaways You get to choose the style (which means I can pick out the dress I'm supposed to buy anyway) and it will be free! This would be wonderful!

  • Milaarzu

    I started my bridal business for this reason…there may be women who are willing to spend $200 or more on a dress, however I am not one of them, especially in this tough economic climate. My boutique allows women to rent designer wedding, bridesmaid and flower girl dresses as well as consign and resell their bridal gowns. I am in Houston, however there are also promising bridal rental shops in Chicago and Atlanta. If you you have any questions please contact me at contact@miladbridal.com or http://www.miladbridal.com.

  • Buffalo

    I can understand this poor bridesmaid’s distress. I’ve recently been asked to buy a $300 dress which I find too expensive. Personally I think bridesmaids should pay something – I think $200 is reasonable and the the bride should pay the rest if she wants an expensive dress. It’s imply not fair to expect your friends to pay that much as bridesmaids.

  • Andrea

    Wow, I cannot imagine a scenario where it is reasonable or right to ask a friend to pay $800 for a bridesmaid dress. Your advice is great but I hope brides reading this will really think twice before asking a friend to spend any amount! I was a bridesmaid where my friend asked us all to wear black evening dresses of our choosing (awesome), another where my friend asked me and a few other friends to wear whatever “nice” dress we want for her daytime wedding, and when I was a bride, I just a asked my friends who were taking part in the ceremony to wear what they wanted, too (knowing they would not show up in ripped, paint splattered clothing). $800. Shocking.