What's New

More In
Psychology Of Money

My Friend Loves Her Cosmos, But Must I Bankroll Her Buzz?

Farnoosh Torabi
Posted on Aug 10, 2010

Dear Farnoosh,

I don’t drink, so I dread going on group dinners where people inevitably order cocktails and/or bottles of wine. When the bill arrives, I always end up paying way more than I had anticipated. How do I gracefully wiggle out of having to bankroll somebody else’s buzz?

Kindly, No Debbie Downer

Dear NDD,

This is a classic situation that unfortunately many of us find ourselves in from time to time. Social outings can totally burn a hole through your wallet if you—and your friends –are not careful or considerate. I was at a 10-person dinner party the other night when my friend took it upon herself to order a few expensive bottles of wine, even though some of us didn’t drink a lick of it. In the end, though, we all shared in the cost because no one spoke up. (I did drink the wine, so I couldn’t exactly complain.) Needless to say, some girls went home grumbling that night.

The solution is not to stay home on Friday nights and miss out on the fun. I have three tricks to help you enjoy being out with your friends, while gracefully dodging the splitting-of-the-check dilemma when all you’ve had is a side salad and tap water.

1. Order A Separate Check When You Sit Down

Don’t be a buzz kill by requesting a separate check at the end of the night when everyone just wants to split the check. Instead, take control of the situation first thing, as soon as you place your first order.  Become tight with the server and quietly request a separate check as you order your Diet Coke. If nosey friends wonder why you’re keeping a personal tab, explain that you’re just trying to get a better handle on your spending and that it helps you to keep track of your receipts—otherwise you’d never remember how much you paid and how much to budget for the rest of the week. Who knows, your financial savvy might teach your friends a good lesson, too!

2. Feel Free To Explain Your Choice

Another way to explain to folks at the table why you want a separate check is by saying that you worry you may have to leave on the earlier side and want to keep track of how much you owe. That allows you to reposition your goal in their favor, since you’re only trying to make sure that you pay enough and avoid stiffing them with your bill. “I might have to duck out early,” you say, coolly. Friends will appreciate your desire to pay your fair share.  Of course, this doesn’t mean you have to leave early. It’s more a pre-emptive strike.

3. Arrive After The Group Has Imbibed

You can show up later in the evening, after everyone’s nice and toasty. My alcohol-free friend Michelle used to always meet us girlfriends towards the tail end of dinner, just in time to pull up a chair and order cappuccino or tea. Seeing that she hadn’t been there for the full night of adult beverages, we never suggested that she split the check. She also never felt awkward for paying only for her own drinks.

Follow Farnoosh On Twitter! @FARNOOSH

Posted in: ,
  • Berrygrl

    I like the idea of warning the waiter ahead of time — having worked in restaurants, that's a really considerate move.

  • JerseyPeach

    I love this article! Sometimes it's harder to tell your friends that you want to pay less for this reason than just the usual “we can't split it down the middle because mine cost a ton less than yours.” No. 1 is a simple and great idea.

  • Lizzy

    Thanks for the tips. It's a bummer that this even has to be an issue, because ideally friends should be aware when their meals and drinks are far more expensive than those of other dining companions, but unfortunately that isn't always the case.

    Splitting the check works well when everyone's meals cost almost the same amount, but can be very unfair otherwise. Even though just throwing down a few credit cards and asking the waiter to split the check can be easier, I generally volunteer to calculate how much everyone owes so that everyone just pays her fair share…even when that means that I pay more than I would if we split the check evenly.

    • http://twitter.com/amkade Allison Kade

      See, I actually like splitting the bill because it seems friendlier to me than “you paid $1 more and I mind paying an extra 33 cents!” and then proceeding to do real math. Usually I like splitting it evenly and letting the people with more expensive meals leave a little extra on the tip.

      But, I always feel self-conscious suggesting that method if my meal was more expensive than anyone else's, because I don't want to look like I'm trying to get out of anything. So, generally, if mine was the one that was a dollar or two LESS, then I'll say, “Why don't we just split it?” When mine's a dollar or two more, I always follow the lower-orderer's lead…

      • Lizzy

        I definitely don't mind splitting when the difference is just a dollar or two…if my entree was $13 and yours was $14, it's certainly easier to just split the check down the middle. My point was that if I ordered a $17 entree and a $10 cocktail and you ordered a $10 salad and a $5 beer, I would never even think to suggest splitting the bill.

    • Farnoosh

      Thanks everyone for your overwhelming feedback! PLEASE send me your stick money issues. I will promise to do my best to answer them judiciously :)

      xo
      farnoosh

  • howaboutweschmoop

    I usually expect these types of posts to include suggestions that are common sense anyway, but #2 and #3 are things I haven't really considered in the past. Thanks Farnoosh!

  • Mrs. Levi Johnston

    Pretty picture! So cool that Farnoosh is writing for LearnVest!

  • carolinewaxler

    Such practical suggestions! #1 is my favorite

  • Farnoosh

    Thanks everyone for your feedback. Please do me a favor and send me your sticky/personal/awkward/annoying money questions here in the comments section. Or if you'd rather be anonymous email me at Farnoosh@farnoosh.tv

    xo